The heat was overtaking all of us ~ she started to lose it, but I didn't. Surprising myself on not getting into a power struggle or giving in to my own crabbiness. I was coming from tired, a headache and heat. I was ok with her losing it and even though all the windows and doors were open and our neighbors were having their jewish holiday next door and know their windows were open. I didn't care. I couldn't. I wasn't yelling and screaming, there was no shame for me to hide in our house. It was my 6 year old needing to release.
She went on for 15 minutes; yes I timed it while P sat at the same table eating a snack and watching with amazement at this fit in front of her and me standing nearby doing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen. Both of us trying to ignore what was happening but obviously not really doing it. Yes, I went back and forth with the "should I engage, should I help?" But I didn't want to, the screaming at me wasn't acceptable.
Finally after she tried to calm down she spit out "all I want is some love and attention!" (don't we all) I turned around, scooped her up and even though it was hot and sticky and my head was feeling on the verge of explosion we sat on the kitchen floor ~ her crying, me silently wishing I could too. Calming herself with her thumb, me, eyes closed rocking back and forth trying to understand why I can't lose it like this?!
P walks in and finds the tiniest space on my leg and sneaks in, trying to get in on the action - her head on mine, sweating - hot - sticky hair, she strokes my hair while I stroke her sisters. I finally say after what seems like hours ..."let's go to bed..." We all manage to get up without words, which now seems so unbelievable. We read our books, we do our nightly duties without fuss ..
Before climbing up into her top bunk she comes over, cups my face and whispers .."I'm sorry for my fit." All I can do is breath in her scent and tell her I love her and kiss her on the forehead. exhausted.
The lights go out and we all toss and turn trying to get comfortable in the still heat, the fan trying to blast us with it's coolness. She eventually stumbles down from the top bunk to crawl in with her sister - toe to toe they eventually fall asleep with hard breath and thumb sucking.
I realize I've been holding my breath and now I can release, getting up from the floor I stumble out into the darkness of the silent house but with the outdoor noise of a celebration next door, a crying baby, sirens in the distance...life outside goes on ...
Wild Writing ~ September 29th, 2011