Ok, so I was really UP earlier this week and now well, I'm not down per say but man the roller coaster I tend to ride gets to be a bit much. I remember writing when I first quit my full time job and being over the moon, because I was. I was excited to jump and spread my wings like I didn't feel I could with a full time office job. I never thought it was going to be easy, I knew better. But the juggling ~ family, myself, work, dreams, teahouse...all of it takes it's toll and I'm still trying to figure it all out. I'm not complaining, really I'm not. I made these choices and now I'm just trying to figure it all out - even after 2 years.
I'm learning to ask myself the hard questions, the questions that make me look really hard at my priorities and to ask myself what I really want to be doing. not what others think I should be doing, not what others think will make me money, but me...myself. what do i think. what do i know.
sometimes it takes a while to quiet the monkey mind and all the other voices coming into my head at any given moment. to walk away from the computer, to go outside, be with myself, my kids. be present. even then it's hard to get there - to get to the place where you can really make a decision thats not based on fear or pure not wanting to do the work place.
so that's where i am right now - asking myself the hard questions, making sure i put the energy i have into the project that feels the best to me. i know some people may not understand the choices i make, that i should be doing what's best for my family in terms of making money but i know myself, and if i'm not making the right choice for myself, i'm not making the right choice for my family. i know that to be true.