write like no one is reading...

I actually don't even know what I'd write if I knew no one was reading...well i do...but I've gotten in the habit of knowing someone is going to read it or i'm going to read it outloud

taking Laurie's wild writing class got me over a bit of this - you see we free write for 15 min and then we read it and on some occassion i admit i think about it, i think about what i'm writing and that i'm going to actually be saying it outloud.  i think saying it out loud knowing no one is going to say anything back is a release like no other - it's just out in space and gone. it's actually strange when someone from class comes up afterwards and says something about what i wrote.  because sometimes i actually do release it, it's gone. other times not so much, i wish it was gone, but it's not.

so when i come to this space i wonder if i'll write exactly what i want to write or if i'll edit for consumption by others?  would i swear more if i didn't know anyone would read it?  probably not, but i do swear a lot in real life.  i might write more about the shame i feel i think.  i never really knew what shame was until i got introduced to Brene' Brown and then it was loud and clear what my shame was.  being a mother - that's my shame, in how i mother, and the not good enoughs and the things that come flying out my mouth and the way i snap more than i'm willing to admit.  yup, that's it.  i really don't feel it too much other places.  but mothering, that's the hiccup ...  my girls are beautiful and young and i don't think i've broken them yet, but we can never really know what stays in the psyche can we?  we can't really know what will stay with them until that fateful day when one of them tells me ...remember when you said this mom?  and my heart will break, i just know it.  but all i can do is wake up everyday knowing i love them and i am trying to do right and trying to do the best i can with what i have...  and i feel like i'm repeating words my mom told to me and it didn't help, but it's the truth. we are all doing the best we can in the moment....