this and that::

first i feel like i need to apologize for not being here but who am i really apologizing to?  myself? you? not sure ..but i am truly sorry to not be here sharing stories.

today i am here at the studio alone, in the quiet.  why don't i turn on music i wonder, but then the time passes and it still isn't on.

i have been quiet lately, trying to navigate through the waters of my life and the going here and there and the emails and the wants and the needs and i'm a bit underwater.  not sure what to do about it.  i do this, i get overwhelmed and i get all tangled in my own mess and i'm not really sure what to do about it.  a friend offered to sit with me this weekend to get it all down on paper..to see what is all there and what's got to give...because something has to. 

but that's not really why i came here today ...i'm confused and sad by all the marriages i've seen deteriorate over the past couple of years and how many strong, beautiful woman are sitting alone right now with their kids or not.  and i wonder..what happened?  i know it's not a sweaping answer, they all have their own personal stories of course but it's all in my face right now and the ideals are shattered and the perfection was never there but i feel for all of them..each and every one.  most i don't really know.  i read their blogs or know them through others or i do really know them and i'm feel scared and shattered along with them.  how do you make a marriage work?  how is it to build this life with or without children and go through so much and then have it be gone?  i just don't know.  i know i've had my own personal issues over these past couple of years more than i'd care to want and it's incredibly hard ...especially with children in the mix.  i'm not asking for answers, i'm just feeling....for these woman who i admire, who i feel a kinship to, who i know aren't alone.  but still these...strong beautiful woman who are forging ahead with great aspirations, dreams, businesses, success and so much more ..us. 

i'm not sure where to go with this..it's just what's on my mind.  i know when a door closes another opens and i do believe that and i do believe that somethings need to happen and do and and and...

but with myself i've been struggling to find my place, find my stable footing on the ground as this woman who wants so much and has a husband and children.  to find my place in it all.

feeling a bit like i'm on a teeter totter with something/someone on the other end just holding me up in the air, not letting me come down to the ground just yet.