truth telling

I’ve been absent, I’ve been avoiding.  Avoiding ~ the word of the hour or I should just say my life.  Yes, I’ve come to realize, yes I might be a little slow on the uptake, yes I avoid a lot of things in my life and I’m now just realizing this more and more and yes, it got me a whole lot sad, but also a whole lot happy. To finally say it, claim it and now change it.  Change the dynamic of the life I’ve created.  I’m sick of blaming myself and others for what is or isn’t.  I’m sick of avoiding most everything and most everyone in my life.  I just didn’t want to move forward. 

Back up a bit…ever since a young age I didn’t really think I was going to last very long, not sure if that was depression or if I was avoiding life back then too.  Maybe some of both. Well fast forward 20 + years and I’m still doing it.  Not meeting life head on but just moseying along with out much thought...

Now I’m feeling like I could tackle anything.  I’ll be turning 39 in a few short months and I’ve already made a lengthy list of things I want to accomplish before I turn the big 40.  Seriously I do want to do these things or most of them.  Like learning to swim!  Yah, no I don’t know how to swim.  Deathly afraid of the water even though I love it and I am the water sign Cancer Crab.  Conquering the fear more than the swimming, but damn would I love to learn how to swim!

There have been a lot of things/people in my life that haven’t been working and I’m ready to change all that and move forward.  Not by avoiding them and covering up everything that I’m feeling or the things that need to be said , but by meeting them head on and dealing with them.  What a concept.

It feels good to realize this and move forward.  Yes, it feels good.

Ps. I came here today after reading this article to really talk about motherhood and creativity and then this all came out…oh well, so it goes...more on motherhood later I guess.